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Samoan Tribal Leader Not A Tech House DJ Despite Tribal Tattoos

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A Samoan tribal leader has shocked a small group of clubbers, who were gathering around him, by revealing that he is not a tech house DJ, despite his tribal tattoos.

Fetu Taagatoloa, Chairman of the Samoan Tribal Institute, claimed that he doesn’t even know what tech house is and has no intentions of playing any gigs in the near future.

“It’s an easy mistake to make,” claimed Samoan promoter Rangi Taafi. “Approximately sixty percent of Mr Taagatoloa’s body is covered with tribal tattoos, that’s only slightly less than the average tech house DJ. He also wears vests quite a lot, again something that’s very common with tech house DJs.”

“He’s also the head of an organisation called the Samoan Tribal Institute, which is also known as the STI, and most tech house DJs have at least two or three STIs at any given time,” explained Taafi. “They’re just some of the similarities, the list goes on and on, really he should probably just take up DJing and get into the tech house scene.”

“He’d absolutely kill it,” continued the promoter. “I’d definitely book him at least twice a month, he’s already got the look and, to be honest with you, to make it in the tech house game at the moment it’s ninety percent image and ten percent talent, I could turn him into Samoa’s biggest tech house DJ in a couple of weeks.”

Wunderground also spoke to Nick Broome, one of the disappointed clubbers who had gathered around Mr Taagatoloa, “I was sure that lad was a tech house DJ, he had all of the was wearing sunglasses, was quite muscular and had loads of tattoos, I’m could have sworn I’ve seen him on Boiler Room before.”

According to reports, once the crowd around Mr Taagatoloa had dispersed, they quickly gathered around a rotting fish on the beach, which they mistook for a Paris Hilton pool party.

“Thou Shalt Not Play Tech House” To Become 11th Commandment

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Representatives from the Vatican have revealed the the Church will soon add “thou shalt not play tech house” to the ten commandments.

Cardinal Alan Stones claims that “The Holy Father got news from upstairs” and the process of adding an extra commandment has already begun.

“This is pretty big news in the vatican,” Stones told Wunderground earlier. “There hasn’t been a new commandment in thousands of years. Well actually, there was that one about not abusing children that God suggested back in the sixties but the Pope at the time decided to ignore that one.”

“There’s a real buzz around the place,” he continued. “An eleventh commandment is just what the church needs to liven Christianity up a bit and, hopefully, breath some new life back into religion. Plus, dance music is really popular with young people so by branching out into dance music we’re opening ourselves up to a whole new audience.”

Sources close to Pope Francis have suggested The Holy Father is ready to announce a monthly club night featuring some of the world’s biggest house and techno artists.

“We feel a vatican club night is very close,” claimed our source. “We really want to bring house and techno to the masses at mass but not tech house, that’s shit.”

Rumours suggest the Vatican are putting together a dream team of DJs, including Ten Walls and Konstantin, who they feel best represent the Vatican’s values to head up their venture into dance music.

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