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The Ghost Of Christmas Past Claims Ibiza’s Not What It Used To Be

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The Ghost of Christmas Past has taken human form and spoke for the first time in over thirty years, claiming that “Ibiza’s not what it used to be”.

It is believed the ghost returned to Earth earlier this week in an attempt to buy Bitcoin but ended up having a heated debate with Solardo, who are also from the supernatural world, about the spirit of Ibiza.

“There’s not a whole lot for the me to do in the modern world,” the Ghost of Christmas Past told Wunderground earlier today. “The internet has kind of spoiled it for me if I’m being perfectly honest. I’ve tried to do a couple of interventions but every time I try to tell them an interesting fact about the past, they just tell me they already know because of this Google thing.”

“The way I see it, it’s not worth my fucking while anymore so I’ve been spending my summers in Ibiza,” continued the ghost. “That place is gone to shit man, I’ve been going there for hundreds of years now, it was always good, even before it hit its peak in the early 90s, but recently it’s just not what it used to be, I’m half thinking about going to Croatia or even Marbella this year.”

“I was chatting with Solardo the other day, they’re actually a couple of poltergeists, and they claim it’s as good over there as it’s ever been,” he said dismissively. “But they’re full of shit, they’re not even a thousand years old so how the fuck would they know. I’m telling you know, Ibiza’s lost its magic, apart from Es Vedra. That place is fucking nuts. The banshees on that island will do anything and I mean fucking anything.”

According to experts, other DJs who are from the supernatural world include; Ricardo Villalobos, a super-ancient ghoul, DJ Sneak, an oversized orb and the Martinez Brothers, a pair of ectoplasm goblins.

Ibiza Nightclub To Sell Water As “Vegan Beer” For €25 Per Bottle

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One of Ibiza’s best known nightclubs have leaked plans to sell bottled water, rebranded as vegan beer, for €25 per bottle next summer.

Sources within the clubbing industry claim the introduction of “expensive vegan friendly beer” could completely reinvent the clubbing landscape on the island.

“We’ve got a saying here in Ibiza when it comes to drink prices,” our anonymous club source told us. “It’s ‘charge whatever people are willing to pay’ and, so far, I still don’t think we’ve found out what that actually is. Everytime time we raise the prices, people lap it up. At the moment, we’ve got a 1,200% markup on beer. With the new vegan beer, we could increase that tenfold.”

“I’ve got a feeling that, if this goes to plan, you might be seeing a handful of new super yachts in the marina in 2019,” continued the source. “We might even be able to give our PR teams a raise of fifty cent a day but we’ll have to wait and see about that, margins are still tight-ish.”

According to Jemima Featherstone, a vegan blogger and cocaine connoisseur, €25 is a small price to pay for a clean, healthy and sustainable lifestyle.

“I’ve actually been drinking this brand of vegan beer for quite a few years now,” Featherstone told us. “Not only is it vegan friendly, it’s also organic and completely fair trade. I’ll often have six or seven bottles when I’m out on the bag and it’s so refreshing and clean that I hardly even notice I’m drinking and, to top it all off, there’s practically no hangover with it, it’s quite possibly the greatest beer ever.”

Ibiza Officials are warning all tourists to be extra vigilant this summer as there is likely to be large volumes of fake vegan beer on the black market.

Pedro Torres, Minister of Drinks, spoke earlier, “We are advising everyone to be very careful when buying vegan beer in 2018. We have heard reports of large consignments of fake vegan beer making their way to the island so you should only buy vegan beer from a designated vegan beer outlet.”

Mr Bean Named New Resident DJ For Es Paradis

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In a rather surprising turn of events, Mr Bean has been named as a resident DJ in Ibiza’s Es Paradis nightclub.

Mr Bean, played by the rather annoying actor Rowan Atkinson, will be performing at the San Antonio nightclub every friday night for a fifteen week residency between May and September.

Wunderground spoke to the bumbling yet industrious Bean yesterday, “Hello, I’m Mr Bean,” he told us in a voice deeper than a Frankie & Sandrino remix. “Hello, I’m Mr Bean,” he repeated constantly for the next forty five seconds before we decided to cut the interview and look else where for information regarding his residency in Es Paradis.

According to Ibiza sources, Mr Bean’s arrival could be the biggest thing to happen to Es Paradise since the installed an electronic bug zapper in the manager’s office in early 2011.

“It’s great to finally have some fresh life finally coming into the club,” Juan Torres, a local plumber told us. “I’ve actually never heard of this Mr Bean fella, I don’t even like electronic music, I’ve never been to the club, I have no intention of ever going to the club but I’ve heard it’s really shit so surely any change is good.”

“I just hope that it’s popular and he gets some of these god awful British drunks of the streets of San Antonio,” continued Señor Torres. “Every summer I rent a number of properties on the island for about a thousand times their actual value and there’s nothing worse than drunk tourists annoying you while you’re eating in fine restaurants and drinking expensive wine.”

Ex-pat Michael Reid also spoke to Wunderground, “Mr Bean and Es Paradis? That’s a match made in heaven,” he joked. “Seriously though, he can’t be any worse than some of the mugs they’ve got playing in there at the moment, I’ll definitely pop along to see how shit it is.”

Experts are predicting that Mr Bean’s arrival could make 2018 Es Paradis’s busiest year of the twenty first century, with over twenty people expected at the club almost every night of the season.

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