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DJ Gives Up Music To Concentrate On Being A Dickhead

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A young Dublin based DJ has made the decision to quit music to concentrate on being a dickhead.

Brian O’Neil, who last played a gig in 2011, officially announced his retirement from the local scene while passively aggressively insulting every promoter he has ever worked with.

“The music scene around here is fucked man,” Brian told us earlier. “Everywhere you go in this town, everyone is always being really nice to each other. What’s that all about? The fake bastards. No one was being rude or obnoxious to each other at all and I just have no time for that shit.”

“I was a fucking legend of a DJ, probably the best mixer in the country and my productions, despite never getting anything signed to any good labels, were some of the best tracks ever made,” continued the former DJ. “And now, just because I’m not all smiles and handshakes and regularly tell people I think they’re cunts, I can’t get a gig.”

“It’s a load of bollox. As far as I’m concerned, I’m owed a fucking career in this industry,” he insisted. “I’ve put in months of hard work and now, because everyone else on the scene is too up their own arse to realise it, I can’t even get a warm up slot in a second room.”

“Fuck, that, if I can’t have it all now, without trying, I don’t want anything to do with it. That’s why I’ve decided to announce my retirement and concentrate on being a dickhead, which I’m equally as good at.”

A number of local promoters are believed to have booked the DJ, however, the majority of them claimed they would never work with him again after he proved to be “disrespectful and pretty shit”.

“I gave him a gig once,” claimed one local promoter. “Average DJ, shit attitude. I would have given him another shot only he demanded fifteen of his friends were put on the guest list and then threw a massive stop when I told him to fuck off.”

According to people who know O’Neill, the former DJ has now resorted to internet trolling, badmouthing people he has worked with in the past and pulling the legs off spiders.

Soundcloud Take Down DJ’s Christmas Decorations

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Soundcloud have reportedly removed an entire house worth of Christmas decorations from a DJ’s house due to potential licensing issues.

Andrew Handsfield, aka DJ Handy Andy, was left fuming after Soundcloud employees arrived at his East London house and forcibly removed his Christmas decorations.

“I’m so fucking angry,” Andrew told Wunderground moments ago. “One minute, I’m sitting in my gaff, all happy families, proper getting into the Christmas spirit, then, the next, I’ve got five strangers in my house pulling Father Christmas and his elves off the fucking walls and telling me I might not own the rights to my decorations.”

“Now, I’m left with two crying kids and a wife who’s convinced I’ve lost all of my money gambling, again,” continued a cleary irate Mr Handsfield. “I tried telling the cunts that the decorations were mine but they weren’t having any of it, they just totally ignored me and took everything down.”

“Now, my walls are bearer than the friends section on Steve Aoki’s personal Facebook page. What a shit Christmas.”

Soundcloud spokesperson Adolf Scrooge claims that Soundcloud will continue to remove Christmas decorations up until New Year’s Eve.

“Here at Soundcloud we’re not taking any risks with Christmas decorations this year,” he told us. “We’re not taking them down for any particular reason, we’re just taking them down to fuck with people and we’ll keep doing it for the rest of the year.”

According to experts, with over half the world’s population now being DJs, Soundcloud are likely to remove approximately one quarter of all the world’s Christmas decorations in the next three weeks.

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