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Number Of Pregnant Virgins At All Time Low This Christmas

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Reports emerging from the World Statistic Organisation have revealed the worldwide number of pregnant virgins has reached a record equalling low this year.

According to experts, the number of immaculate conceptions peaked sometime around the year 0, when one case of sexless pregnancy was reported in Nazareth, Israel.

“It’s the same every year,” statistician George Garland told Wunderground earlier. “We’re approaching Christmas and everyone’s looking to the World Statistic Organisation to find out where all of the pregnant virgins are sleeping this Christmas Eve and every year we have to tell people that there’s actually no pregnant virgins, anywhere, in the world.”

“Really, apart from that one time, which actually happened before official records began, there hasn’t been a single recorded incident of a virgin giving birth,” continued Garland. “There have been plenty of claims but thanks to Jeremy Kyle and his rock solid DNA tests we can safely say that none of them were real.”

“Now, we’re at the stage where if someone claims to be a pregnant virgin, most people will automatically think one of three things, either you got too drunk to remember sex, you’re a lier or you’re a slut,” claimed the statistician. “It really shows you how times have changed when you think that saying the exact same thing three thousand years ago, or whatever, would have had people thinking you were the mother of Christ. All of these advances in technology haven’t half made us a cynical bunch of so and so’s.”

“You’d think these days, with the likes of IVF treatment, trans-men giving birth and things just generally being a bit mental, people would be a bit more open to the idea of a virgin actually giving birth,” he said. “But it turns out people only believe in virgins giving birth from long before any of those things were around. Seems a bit fucking crazy if you ask me.”

If you think you may be suffering from a case of immaculately conception, stop telling lies.

The Ghost Of Christmas Past Claims Ibiza’s Not What It Used To Be

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The Ghost of Christmas Past has taken human form and spoke for the first time in over thirty years, claiming that “Ibiza’s not what it used to be”.

It is believed the ghost returned to Earth earlier this week in an attempt to buy Bitcoin but ended up having a heated debate with Solardo, who are also from the supernatural world, about the spirit of Ibiza.

“There’s not a whole lot for the me to do in the modern world,” the Ghost of Christmas Past told Wunderground earlier today. “The internet has kind of spoiled it for me if I’m being perfectly honest. I’ve tried to do a couple of interventions but every time I try to tell them an interesting fact about the past, they just tell me they already know because of this Google thing.”

“The way I see it, it’s not worth my fucking while anymore so I’ve been spending my summers in Ibiza,” continued the ghost. “That place is gone to shit man, I’ve been going there for hundreds of years now, it was always good, even before it hit its peak in the early 90s, but recently it’s just not what it used to be, I’m half thinking about going to Croatia or even Marbella this year.”

“I was chatting with Solardo the other day, they’re actually a couple of poltergeists, and they claim it’s as good over there as it’s ever been,” he said dismissively. “But they’re full of shit, they’re not even a thousand years old so how the fuck would they know. I’m telling you know, Ibiza’s lost its magic, apart from Es Vedra. That place is fucking nuts. The banshees on that island will do anything and I mean fucking anything.”

According to experts, other DJs who are from the supernatural world include; Ricardo Villalobos, a super-ancient ghoul, DJ Sneak, an oversized orb and the Martinez Brothers, a pair of ectoplasm goblins.

Soundcloud Take Down DJ’s Christmas Decorations

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Soundcloud have reportedly removed an entire house worth of Christmas decorations from a DJ’s house due to potential licensing issues.

Andrew Handsfield, aka DJ Handy Andy, was left fuming after Soundcloud employees arrived at his East London house and forcibly removed his Christmas decorations.

“I’m so fucking angry,” Andrew told Wunderground moments ago. “One minute, I’m sitting in my gaff, all happy families, proper getting into the Christmas spirit, then, the next, I’ve got five strangers in my house pulling Father Christmas and his elves off the fucking walls and telling me I might not own the rights to my decorations.”

“Now, I’m left with two crying kids and a wife who’s convinced I’ve lost all of my money gambling, again,” continued a cleary irate Mr Handsfield. “I tried telling the cunts that the decorations were mine but they weren’t having any of it, they just totally ignored me and took everything down.”

“Now, my walls are bearer than the friends section on Steve Aoki’s personal Facebook page. What a shit Christmas.”

Soundcloud spokesperson Adolf Scrooge claims that Soundcloud will continue to remove Christmas decorations up until New Year’s Eve.

“Here at Soundcloud we’re not taking any risks with Christmas decorations this year,” he told us. “We’re not taking them down for any particular reason, we’re just taking them down to fuck with people and we’ll keep doing it for the rest of the year.”

According to experts, with over half the world’s population now being DJs, Soundcloud are likely to remove approximately one quarter of all the world’s Christmas decorations in the next three weeks.

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