A crafty promoter who is struggling to sell tickets to an upcoming event has tried to trick punters into buying tickets by … Keep Reading
Glasgow’s finest export since battered Mars Bars, Denis Sulta, has reportedly dropped the ultimate old school classic, Oh Come All Ye Faithful, during his latest set.
According to reports, the “crowd totally went off” after the DJ played the Christmas banger with witnesses claiming there was “mulled wine and mince pies flying everywhere”.
Wunderground spoke to one clubber who wished to remain anonymous, “I honestly don’t think there’s a track that Sulta can’t get away with playing at the moment,” he told us. “You get to a point where all you have to do is play the first three seconds of a track and if people think they know it, you’ve got them eating out of the plam of your hand. Denis is definitely there right now.”
“I’ve never realised how much of a stomper that Oh Come All Ye Faithful track is,” claimed the twenty three year old clubber. “Usually, when I hear it, it’s being played on Songs of Praise or some weird god type of shit and it just seems a bit crap but when you hear a DJ playing it out, you realise that it’s actually a complete weapon.”
“It’s funny, there’s loads of songs that I thought were total pants, the type of stuff old lads, who are like in their 30s, would listen to,” continued our source. “But then, someone who’s really cool and hip like Denis Sulta comes along and smashes them out in a club and reminds everyone that they’re not shit, they’re fucking banging.”
“It’s really refreshing for people like me to know that we can depend on DJs to keep us informed and up to date about what is and isn’t cool these days,” he continued. “I honestly don’t think I’d even know what type of music I’m into if it wasn’t for DJs and, more importantly, videos of DJs that people have taken on their phones, showing me what I should like.”
According to experts, we are about to see a surge in popularity of Country & Western classics in the clubbing industry after a number of high profile DJs signed an agreement with Garth Brooks that will see them drop one of his tracks during all of their sets for the next six months.
Reports emerging from the World Statistic Organisation have revealed the worldwide number of pregnant virgins has reached a record equalling low this year.
According to experts, the number of immaculate conceptions peaked sometime around the year 0, when one case of sexless pregnancy was reported in Nazareth, Israel.
“It’s the same every year,” statistician George Garland told Wunderground earlier. “We’re approaching Christmas and everyone’s looking to the World Statistic Organisation to find out where all of the pregnant virgins are sleeping this Christmas Eve and every year we have to tell people that there’s actually no pregnant virgins, anywhere, in the world.”
“Really, apart from that one time, which actually happened before official records began, there hasn’t been a single recorded incident of a virgin giving birth,” continued Garland. “There have been plenty of claims but thanks to Jeremy Kyle and his rock solid DNA tests we can safely say that none of them were real.”
“Now, we’re at the stage where if someone claims to be a pregnant virgin, most people will automatically think one of three things, either you got too drunk to remember sex, you’re a lier or you’re a slut,” claimed the statistician. “It really shows you how times have changed when you think that saying the exact same thing three thousand years ago, or whatever, would have had people thinking you were the mother of Christ. All of these advances in technology haven’t half made us a cynical bunch of so and so’s.”
“You’d think these days, with the likes of IVF treatment, trans-men giving birth and things just generally being a bit mental, people would be a bit more open to the idea of a virgin actually giving birth,” he said. “But it turns out people only believe in virgins giving birth from long before any of those things were around. Seems a bit fucking crazy if you ask me.”
If you think you may be suffering from a case of immaculately conception, stop telling lies.
The Ghost of Christmas Past has taken human form and spoke for the first time in over thirty years, claiming that “Ibiza’s not what it used to be”.
It is believed the ghost returned to Earth earlier this week in an attempt to buy Bitcoin but ended up having a heated debate with Solardo, who are also from the supernatural world, about the spirit of Ibiza.
“There’s not a whole lot for the me to do in the modern world,” the Ghost of Christmas Past told Wunderground earlier today. “The internet has kind of spoiled it for me if I’m being perfectly honest. I’ve tried to do a couple of interventions but every time I try to tell them an interesting fact about the past, they just tell me they already know because of this Google thing.”
“The way I see it, it’s not worth my fucking while anymore so I’ve been spending my summers in Ibiza,” continued the ghost. “That place is gone to shit man, I’ve been going there for hundreds of years now, it was always good, even before it hit its peak in the early 90s, but recently it’s just not what it used to be, I’m half thinking about going to Croatia or even Marbella this year.”
“I was chatting with Solardo the other day, they’re actually a couple of poltergeists, and they claim it’s as good over there as it’s ever been,” he said dismissively. “But they’re full of shit, they’re not even a thousand years old so how the fuck would they know. I’m telling you know, Ibiza’s lost its magic, apart from Es Vedra. That place is fucking nuts. The banshees on that island will do anything and I mean fucking anything.”
According to experts, other DJs who are from the supernatural world include; Ricardo Villalobos, a super-ancient ghoul, DJ Sneak, an oversized orb and the Martinez Brothers, a pair of ectoplasm goblins.
Here at Wunderground, we’re huge fans of a good live set. There’s something very special about watching an artist creating their sound right in front of your eyes. When it comes to this, few do it better than Stephan Bodzin.
Bodzin brings his live show to Australia’s Beyond The Valley Festival, which takes place in Lardner Park, Victoria, between 28 December and 1 January, and we are very excited to see what he has in store for his fans. What the German artist lacks in hair, he certainly makes up for in musical talent, with his live show becoming even more impressive when you hear the equipment he uses to make his own unique sound. In order to show you just how awesome Bodzin’s live set is, we’ve put together a list of the 5 most unusual pieces of equipment the German wizard uses.
Nintendo Game Boy
Bodzin is a lifelong Game Boy fan and tries to use them in all of his live sets. It is rumoured the artist was so addicted to Tetris as a young man that he once had a gaming induced seizure and woke up humming a tune that he would later become his first release. The original Game Boy start up noise, the famous ding, is one of the most recognisable sounds in the history of gaming and, if you listen carefully, you are sure to hear it, at least once, in all of Bodzin’s live sets.
Motorised Tie Rack
Anyone who is familiar with Bodzin’s music will have heard a very distinct grating sound at the heart of practically all of his tracks. The sound is believed to have driven thousands of would be techno producers mad, they simply couldn’t figure out how he was making it. Now, the secret is finally out of the bag, the sound comes from a clapped out tie rack motor and we’re struggling to think of anything that sounds better.
Originally from a small town in the Bavarian Alps, Bodzin is no stranger to Cowbells. Sources close to the artist believe he developed his love for “plinky plonky” bells while herding cattle on the side of a mountain during the cold winter months. Bodzin is now the proud owner of the world’s largest cowbell collection and regularly uses them during his live performances.
Bodzin’s live performances have become so popular because people feel that they can really connect with his music. This is something that Bodzin has worked tirelessly to perfect. The German genius uses a cardiac pacemaker to control the tempo of all of his his drum machines, causing his beats and bass lines to sync perfectly with the heart rates of everyone in the room. It is rumoured that he can actually use this technique to speed up and slow down heart rates, making his show one of the most immersive in the business.
New to his show at Beyond The Valley, Bodzin is set to introduce a number fo high powered tasers to his live set. While it is not yet known how the artist will utilise the effects of the tasers in his music, he has promised that the results will be both stunning and shocking. We really can’t wait to hear what’s in store.
If you would like the chance to Stephan Bodzin use any of these pieces of equipment at Beyond The Valley, click here for more information and tickets.
Carol singers all over the city of Liverpool have abandoned conventional song choice and in favour of singing CamelPhat and Elderbrook’s massive club hit, Cola, on repeat.
Merseyside sources claim that the entire city has become completely engulfed in the track, with no single citizen ever more than ten meters from someone either playing or singing the track.
“The whole of Merseyside’s gone completely Cola mad, La,” one enthusiastic Scouser told us. “The council even tried to ban the Coca-Cola truck from the city this Christmas, they said it was something to do with fat kids but you could tell it was because the whole of Liverpool is fucking loving the other Cola right now. This town’s just not big enough for two Colas, once Torres was in a Pepsi ad we got rid of them, now it’s time to do the same with Coca-Cola.”
“I was at the derby on Sunday and both sets of fans we’re singing Cola on the terraces, I don’t think I heard You’ll Never Walk Alone or whatever that rubbish Everton fans sing is called once. It was just Cola from start to finish,” continued our source. “I’m not complaining mind you, it’s a belter of a track,”
“The best thing about it is all the old dears singing it instead of normal carols,” he claimed. “I love this time of year, Liverpool’s a great spot for some carol singing. Usually, you get all the classics, Silent Night, We Wish You A Merry Christmas, Jingle Bells Batman Smells, you know, old school carols, but this year all anyone is singing is Cola, it’s proper boss.”
According to reports, carol singers in other major cities have also been heard singing Cola in place of better known carols.
Our Manchester correspondent explained, “So far, we’ve not seen the same scale of Cola takeover as there is in Liverpool but there have been quite a few incidents reported around the city, they’re becoming more regular and we fear the track could soon take over the entire city, if you see any carol singers singing Cola we recommend you keep at least twenty five meters away.”
Experts are predicting that if Cola continues to spread at its current rate, the entire nation could be completely immersed in Cola by Christmas Day, culminating in no Christmas No. 1 for X-Factor and the words “oh oh oh, oh oh oh, she can’t tell the difference yet” featuring in the Queen’s speech.
A young Dublin based DJ has made the decision to quit music to concentrate on being a dickhead.
Brian O’Neil, who last played a gig in 2011, officially announced his retirement from the local scene while passively aggressively insulting every promoter he has ever worked with.
“The music scene around here is fucked man,” Brian told us earlier. “Everywhere you go in this town, everyone is always being really nice to each other. What’s that all about? The fake bastards. No one was being rude or obnoxious to each other at all and I just have no time for that shit.”
“I was a fucking legend of a DJ, probably the best mixer in the country and my productions, despite never getting anything signed to any good labels, were some of the best tracks ever made,” continued the former DJ. “And now, just because I’m not all smiles and handshakes and regularly tell people I think they’re cunts, I can’t get a gig.”
“It’s a load of bollox. As far as I’m concerned, I’m owed a fucking career in this industry,” he insisted. “I’ve put in months of hard work and now, because everyone else on the scene is too up their own arse to realise it, I can’t even get a warm up slot in a second room.”
“Fuck, that, if I can’t have it all now, without trying, I don’t want anything to do with it. That’s why I’ve decided to announce my retirement and concentrate on being a dickhead, which I’m equally as good at.”
A number of local promoters are believed to have booked the DJ, however, the majority of them claimed they would never work with him again after he proved to be “disrespectful and pretty shit”.
“I gave him a gig once,” claimed one local promoter. “Average DJ, shit attitude. I would have given him another shot only he demanded fifteen of his friends were put on the guest list and then threw a massive stop when I told him to fuck off.”
According to people who know O’Neill, the former DJ has now resorted to internet trolling, badmouthing people he has worked with in the past and pulling the legs off spiders.
One of Ibiza’s best known nightclubs have leaked plans to sell bottled water, rebranded as vegan beer, for €25 per bottle next summer.
Sources within the clubbing industry claim the introduction of “expensive vegan friendly beer” could completely reinvent the clubbing landscape on the island.
“We’ve got a saying here in Ibiza when it comes to drink prices,” our anonymous club source told us. “It’s ‘charge whatever people are willing to pay’ and, so far, I still don’t think we’ve found out what that actually is. Everytime time we raise the prices, people lap it up. At the moment, we’ve got a 1,200% markup on beer. With the new vegan beer, we could increase that tenfold.”
“I’ve got a feeling that, if this goes to plan, you might be seeing a handful of new super yachts in the marina in 2019,” continued the source. “We might even be able to give our PR teams a raise of fifty cent a day but we’ll have to wait and see about that, margins are still tight-ish.”
According to Jemima Featherstone, a vegan blogger and cocaine connoisseur, €25 is a small price to pay for a clean, healthy and sustainable lifestyle.
“I’ve actually been drinking this brand of vegan beer for quite a few years now,” Featherstone told us. “Not only is it vegan friendly, it’s also organic and completely fair trade. I’ll often have six or seven bottles when I’m out on the bag and it’s so refreshing and clean that I hardly even notice I’m drinking and, to top it all off, there’s practically no hangover with it, it’s quite possibly the greatest beer ever.”
Ibiza Officials are warning all tourists to be extra vigilant this summer as there is likely to be large volumes of fake vegan beer on the black market.
Pedro Torres, Minister of Drinks, spoke earlier, “We are advising everyone to be very careful when buying vegan beer in 2018. We have heard reports of large consignments of fake vegan beer making their way to the island so you should only buy vegan beer from a designated vegan beer outlet.”
Soundcloud have reportedly removed an entire house worth of Christmas decorations from a DJ’s house due to potential licensing issues.
Andrew Handsfield, aka DJ Handy Andy, was left fuming after Soundcloud employees arrived at his East London house and forcibly removed his Christmas decorations.
“I’m so fucking angry,” Andrew told Wunderground moments ago. “One minute, I’m sitting in my gaff, all happy families, proper getting into the Christmas spirit, then, the next, I’ve got five strangers in my house pulling Father Christmas and his elves off the fucking walls and telling me I might not own the rights to my decorations.”
“Now, I’m left with two crying kids and a wife who’s convinced I’ve lost all of my money gambling, again,” continued a cleary irate Mr Handsfield. “I tried telling the cunts that the decorations were mine but they weren’t having any of it, they just totally ignored me and took everything down.”
“Now, my walls are bearer than the friends section on Steve Aoki’s personal Facebook page. What a shit Christmas.”
Soundcloud spokesperson Adolf Scrooge claims that Soundcloud will continue to remove Christmas decorations up until New Year’s Eve.
“Here at Soundcloud we’re not taking any risks with Christmas decorations this year,” he told us. “We’re not taking them down for any particular reason, we’re just taking them down to fuck with people and we’ll keep doing it for the rest of the year.”
According to experts, with over half the world’s population now being DJs, Soundcloud are likely to remove approximately one quarter of all the world’s Christmas decorations in the next three weeks.
Representatives from the Vatican have revealed the the Church will soon add “thou shalt not play tech house” to the ten commandments.
Cardinal Alan Stones claims that “The Holy Father got news from upstairs” and the process of adding an extra commandment has already begun.
“This is pretty big news in the vatican,” Stones told Wunderground earlier. “There hasn’t been a new commandment in thousands of years. Well actually, there was that one about not abusing children that God suggested back in the sixties but the Pope at the time decided to ignore that one.”
“There’s a real buzz around the place,” he continued. “An eleventh commandment is just what the church needs to liven Christianity up a bit and, hopefully, breath some new life back into religion. Plus, dance music is really popular with young people so by branching out into dance music we’re opening ourselves up to a whole new audience.”
Sources close to Pope Francis have suggested The Holy Father is ready to announce a monthly club night featuring some of the world’s biggest house and techno artists.
“We feel a vatican club night is very close,” claimed our source. “We really want to bring house and techno to the masses at mass but not tech house, that’s shit.”
Rumours suggest the Vatican are putting together a dream team of DJs, including Ten Walls and Konstantin, who they feel best represent the Vatican’s values to head up their venture into dance music.
In a rather surprising turn of events, Mr Bean has been named as a resident DJ in Ibiza’s Es Paradis nightclub.
Mr Bean, played by the rather annoying actor Rowan Atkinson, will be performing at the San Antonio nightclub every friday night for a fifteen week residency between May and September.
Wunderground spoke to the bumbling yet industrious Bean yesterday, “Hello, I’m Mr Bean,” he told us in a voice deeper than a Frankie & Sandrino remix. “Hello, I’m Mr Bean,” he repeated constantly for the next forty five seconds before we decided to cut the interview and look else where for information regarding his residency in Es Paradis.
According to Ibiza sources, Mr Bean’s arrival could be the biggest thing to happen to Es Paradise since the installed an electronic bug zapper in the manager’s office in early 2011.
“It’s great to finally have some fresh life finally coming into the club,” Juan Torres, a local plumber told us. “I’ve actually never heard of this Mr Bean fella, I don’t even like electronic music, I’ve never been to the club, I have no intention of ever going to the club but I’ve heard it’s really shit so surely any change is good.”
“I just hope that it’s popular and he gets some of these god awful British drunks of the streets of San Antonio,” continued Señor Torres. “Every summer I rent a number of properties on the island for about a thousand times their actual value and there’s nothing worse than drunk tourists annoying you while you’re eating in fine restaurants and drinking expensive wine.”
Ex-pat Michael Reid also spoke to Wunderground, “Mr Bean and Es Paradis? That’s a match made in heaven,” he joked. “Seriously though, he can’t be any worse than some of the mugs they’ve got playing in there at the moment, I’ll definitely pop along to see how shit it is.”
Experts are predicting that Mr Bean’s arrival could make 2018 Es Paradis’s busiest year of the twenty first century, with over twenty people expected at the club almost every night of the season.