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Wunderground is dance music's satirical voice.

DJ Gives Up Music To Concentrate On Being A Dickhead

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A young Dublin based DJ has made the decision to quit music to concentrate on being a dickhead.

Brian O’Neil, who last played a gig in 2011, officially announced his retirement from the local scene while passively aggressively insulting every promoter he has ever worked with.

“The music scene around here is fucked man,” Brian told us earlier. “Everywhere you go in this town, everyone is always being really nice to each other. What’s that all about? The fake bastards. No one was being rude or obnoxious to each other at all and I just have no time for that shit.”

“I was a fucking legend of a DJ, probably the best mixer in the country and my productions, despite never getting anything signed to any good labels, were some of the best tracks ever made,” continued the former DJ. “And now, just because I’m not all smiles and handshakes and regularly tell people I think they’re cunts, I can’t get a gig.”

“It’s a load of bollox. As far as I’m concerned, I’m owed a fucking career in this industry,” he insisted. “I’ve put in months of hard work and now, because everyone else on the scene is too up their own arse to realise it, I can’t even get a warm up slot in a second room.”

“Fuck, that, if I can’t have it all now, without trying, I don’t want anything to do with it. That’s why I’ve decided to announce my retirement and concentrate on being a dickhead, which I’m equally as good at.”

A number of local promoters are believed to have booked the DJ, however, the majority of them claimed they would never work with him again after he proved to be “disrespectful and pretty shit”.

“I gave him a gig once,” claimed one local promoter. “Average DJ, shit attitude. I would have given him another shot only he demanded fifteen of his friends were put on the guest list and then threw a massive stop when I told him to fuck off.”

According to people who know O’Neill, the former DJ has now resorted to internet trolling, badmouthing people he has worked with in the past and pulling the legs off spiders.

Ibiza Nightclub To Sell Water As “Vegan Beer” For €25 Per Bottle

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One of Ibiza’s best known nightclubs have leaked plans to sell bottled water, rebranded as vegan beer, for €25 per bottle next summer.

Sources within the clubbing industry claim the introduction of “expensive vegan friendly beer” could completely reinvent the clubbing landscape on the island.

“We’ve got a saying here in Ibiza when it comes to drink prices,” our anonymous club source told us. “It’s ‘charge whatever people are willing to pay’ and, so far, I still don’t think we’ve found out what that actually is. Everytime time we raise the prices, people lap it up. At the moment, we’ve got a 1,200% markup on beer. With the new vegan beer, we could increase that tenfold.”

“I’ve got a feeling that, if this goes to plan, you might be seeing a handful of new super yachts in the marina in 2019,” continued the source. “We might even be able to give our PR teams a raise of fifty cent a day but we’ll have to wait and see about that, margins are still tight-ish.”

According to Jemima Featherstone, a vegan blogger and cocaine connoisseur, €25 is a small price to pay for a clean, healthy and sustainable lifestyle.

“I’ve actually been drinking this brand of vegan beer for quite a few years now,” Featherstone told us. “Not only is it vegan friendly, it’s also organic and completely fair trade. I’ll often have six or seven bottles when I’m out on the bag and it’s so refreshing and clean that I hardly even notice I’m drinking and, to top it all off, there’s practically no hangover with it, it’s quite possibly the greatest beer ever.”

Ibiza Officials are warning all tourists to be extra vigilant this summer as there is likely to be large volumes of fake vegan beer on the black market.

Pedro Torres, Minister of Drinks, spoke earlier, “We are advising everyone to be very careful when buying vegan beer in 2018. We have heard reports of large consignments of fake vegan beer making their way to the island so you should only buy vegan beer from a designated vegan beer outlet.”

Soundcloud Take Down DJ’s Christmas Decorations

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Soundcloud have reportedly removed an entire house worth of Christmas decorations from a DJ’s house due to potential licensing issues.

Andrew Handsfield, aka DJ Handy Andy, was left fuming after Soundcloud employees arrived at his East London house and forcibly removed his Christmas decorations.

“I’m so fucking angry,” Andrew told Wunderground moments ago. “One minute, I’m sitting in my gaff, all happy families, proper getting into the Christmas spirit, then, the next, I’ve got five strangers in my house pulling Father Christmas and his elves off the fucking walls and telling me I might not own the rights to my decorations.”

“Now, I’m left with two crying kids and a wife who’s convinced I’ve lost all of my money gambling, again,” continued a cleary irate Mr Handsfield. “I tried telling the cunts that the decorations were mine but they weren’t having any of it, they just totally ignored me and took everything down.”

“Now, my walls are bearer than the friends section on Steve Aoki’s personal Facebook page. What a shit Christmas.”

Soundcloud spokesperson Adolf Scrooge claims that Soundcloud will continue to remove Christmas decorations up until New Year’s Eve.

“Here at Soundcloud we’re not taking any risks with Christmas decorations this year,” he told us. “We’re not taking them down for any particular reason, we’re just taking them down to fuck with people and we’ll keep doing it for the rest of the year.”

According to experts, with over half the world’s population now being DJs, Soundcloud are likely to remove approximately one quarter of all the world’s Christmas decorations in the next three weeks.

“Thou Shalt Not Play Tech House” To Become 11th Commandment

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Representatives from the Vatican have revealed the the Church will soon add “thou shalt not play tech house” to the ten commandments.

Cardinal Alan Stones claims that “The Holy Father got news from upstairs” and the process of adding an extra commandment has already begun.

“This is pretty big news in the vatican,” Stones told Wunderground earlier. “There hasn’t been a new commandment in thousands of years. Well actually, there was that one about not abusing children that God suggested back in the sixties but the Pope at the time decided to ignore that one.”

“There’s a real buzz around the place,” he continued. “An eleventh commandment is just what the church needs to liven Christianity up a bit and, hopefully, breath some new life back into religion. Plus, dance music is really popular with young people so by branching out into dance music we’re opening ourselves up to a whole new audience.”

Sources close to Pope Francis have suggested The Holy Father is ready to announce a monthly club night featuring some of the world’s biggest house and techno artists.

“We feel a vatican club night is very close,” claimed our source. “We really want to bring house and techno to the masses at mass but not tech house, that’s shit.”

Rumours suggest the Vatican are putting together a dream team of DJs, including Ten Walls and Konstantin, who they feel best represent the Vatican’s values to head up their venture into dance music.

Mr Bean Named New Resident DJ For Es Paradis

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In a rather surprising turn of events, Mr Bean has been named as a resident DJ in Ibiza’s Es Paradis nightclub.

Mr Bean, played by the rather annoying actor Rowan Atkinson, will be performing at the San Antonio nightclub every friday night for a fifteen week residency between May and September.

Wunderground spoke to the bumbling yet industrious Bean yesterday, “Hello, I’m Mr Bean,” he told us in a voice deeper than a Frankie & Sandrino remix. “Hello, I’m Mr Bean,” he repeated constantly for the next forty five seconds before we decided to cut the interview and look else where for information regarding his residency in Es Paradis.

According to Ibiza sources, Mr Bean’s arrival could be the biggest thing to happen to Es Paradise since the installed an electronic bug zapper in the manager’s office in early 2011.

“It’s great to finally have some fresh life finally coming into the club,” Juan Torres, a local plumber told us. “I’ve actually never heard of this Mr Bean fella, I don’t even like electronic music, I’ve never been to the club, I have no intention of ever going to the club but I’ve heard it’s really shit so surely any change is good.”

“I just hope that it’s popular and he gets some of these god awful British drunks of the streets of San Antonio,” continued Señor Torres. “Every summer I rent a number of properties on the island for about a thousand times their actual value and there’s nothing worse than drunk tourists annoying you while you’re eating in fine restaurants and drinking expensive wine.”

Ex-pat Michael Reid also spoke to Wunderground, “Mr Bean and Es Paradis? That’s a match made in heaven,” he joked. “Seriously though, he can’t be any worse than some of the mugs they’ve got playing in there at the moment, I’ll definitely pop along to see how shit it is.”

Experts are predicting that Mr Bean’s arrival could make 2018 Es Paradis’s busiest year of the twenty first century, with over twenty people expected at the club almost every night of the season.

Late Nite Tuff Guy Really Nice During The Day

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In an attempt to soften his reputation ahead of the quickly approaching Australian festival season, Late Nite Tuff Guy has revealed that he is actually really nice during the day.

Speaking exclusively to Wunderground, the DJ claimed that his reputation as “a bit of a bad boy” precedes him even though, between six in the morning and nine thirty at night, it is completely untrue.

“I’ve always been a bit of a scrapper,” he told us earlier. “I used to be really proud of the fact that I was hard as nails but now, the older I get, the more chilled out I’m becoming. I want people to know that, even though I’ll batter you at night, I’m actually really nice during the day.”

Late Nite Tuff Guy is due to play at Beyond The Valley festival, which takes place between 28 December and 1 January in Lardner Park, Victoria, and is worried that people will feel like they are unable to approach him if they see him during the day.

“Honestly, if you see me during the day at Beyond The Valley just come over and say hello,” continued Mr Tuff Guy. “I’ll probably buy you a drink or tell you a few jokes or something totally friendly and cool like that. That’s just the way I am, during the day. You’re defo best off avoiding me at night though, once that sun goes down I’m basically a Gremlin who’s been fed after midnight.”

“I can’t help myself but I’m really hoping to phase the whole Late Nite Tuff Guy thing out over the next few years. Someday, I might even be known as The Nice Guy,” he explained “I’ve never been totally committed to being a hardass anyway. My real name is Carmelo for fuck sake. How could anyone with a name so delicious be a proper bogan?”

Fellow Beyond The Valley headliner Schoolboy Q has claimed that Late Nite Tuff Guy better not try and cause any trouble in the backstage area or he will have some “actual tough guys” to deal with.

“I’ve been chatting with my man Stormzy and we’ve decided that we’re taking a ‘zero shit policy’ with this Tuff Guy fella,” he told us. “If he tries throwing his weight around the backstage area I’m gonna teach him some schoolboy lessons, you get me? He’ll be picking my size tens out of his ass for the next month.”

If you would like to party with Late Nite Tuff Guy during the day, or even feel his wrath at night, at Beyond The Valley festival, click here for more information and tickets.

Australian Festival Introduce “No Dickheads Policy”

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An Australian festival has become the world’s first event to introduce a “no dickheads policy” in an attempt to stop “bogans” gaining entry.

Electric Gardens, which takes place on 27 January 2018 in Centennial Park, Sydney, has announced that anyone wishing to attend the festival will need to pass a “dickhead screening” before they are allocated their ticket.

“It’s a great day for festival goers all over the world,” claimed Electric Garden spokesperson Ian Downing. “We’ve been working on ways to make the festival experience even better at this years festival and everything we came up with involved reducing the number of dickheads in attendance. So, in the end we just decided to take them out of the equation all together.”

“We’ve come up with a very intricate screening process,” continued Downing. “It’s a very complicated system. The first step involves eliminating anyone who lists ‘Full-time mad bastard’ as their occupation on Facebook, after that we feed everyone’s social media accounts into an algorithm which identifies racists, homophobes and dickheads in general.”

Festival headliner Fatboy Slim claims the exclusion of dickheads could possibly propel Electric Gardens to one of the world’s top festivals.

“No dickheads? That’s fucking amazing,” he told us. “I’ve had lots of experiences with dickheads at festivals over the years. I wouldn’t go as far as to say they spoils festivals for everyone but they definitely make them a little bit worse. If you could have a festival without dickheads, it would definitely be one of the best festivals of all time.”

According to dickheads all over the world, Electric Garden’s no dickhead policy is unfair and discriminatory against their kind.

“That’s total bullshit you cunt,” claimed dickhead Darren Lawless. “I really want to go and see Gorgon City, MK, Nicole Moudaber and Dubfire. So what if I want to start fights while I’m watching them, that’s my business. Why are they being prejudice against me just because I’m a dickhead, that’s so unfair.”

If you would like to celebrate Australia Day weekend in a completely dick head free environment, click here for more tickets and information.

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