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Wunderground is dance music's satirical voice.

Sports Scientist Prescribing Performance Enhancing Vitamins For 3 Day NYE Party

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One of the Belgium’s leading sports scientists has reportedly been prescribing a cocktail of performance enhancing “vitamins” ahead of an epic three day New Year’s Eve party in Ghent’s Kompass Klub.

According to sources, each ticket purchased for the NYE extravaganza comes with a complimentary consultation with the sports scientist who will then write a prescription based on the ticket holder’s physique, sporting ability and partying experience.

“Three days is a really long time to party – even for the most experienced clubbers – so, to make sure nobody passes out or collapses like little pussies, we’re insisting that everyone coming sees our inhouse sports scientist beforehand,” explained Kompass Klub spokesperson Kevin Kostner. “He’ll prescribe everyone with a concoction of vitamins strong enough to kill a rabbit and weak enough knock a horse out, which actually equates to the prefect strength for humans.”

“Just in case anyone forgets to take their vitamins, we’re also installing Belgium’s first even nightclub sleeping area,” continued Pauwels. “There’ll be a quiet area for people who want to rest, or boring cunts as we like to call them, and a fucking area for people who want to bang, we’re expecting that area to be pretty busy, we’re even offering free lifetime entry to Kompass Klub for any babies who are conceived at our New Year’s Eve party.”

Reports from Belgium suggest the party, which takes place between 30 December and 1 January, will feature a host of international acts such as Richie Hawtin, Mind Against, Kolsch and Blawan.

“The lineup for this party is sicker than a Swiss euthanasia camp,” claimed one happy ticket holder. “Speaking of sick, I’ve got my prescription of vitamins, I’ve even got some extra, just incase I decide to dip into them over Christmas, which I almost certainly will. People always seem to forget that Christmas isn’t just a time for giving, it’s also a time for taking, vitamins.”

If you would like the chance to welcome in the New Year and party for three days straight in Kompass Klub, click here for more information and tickets.

Samoan Tribal Leader Not A Tech House DJ Despite Tribal Tattoos

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A Samoan tribal leader has shocked a small group of clubbers, who were gathering around him, by revealing that he is not a tech house DJ, despite his tribal tattoos.

Fetu Taagatoloa, Chairman of the Samoan Tribal Institute, claimed that he doesn’t even know what tech house is and has no intentions of playing any gigs in the near future.

“It’s an easy mistake to make,” claimed Samoan promoter Rangi Taafi. “Approximately sixty percent of Mr Taagatoloa’s body is covered with tribal tattoos, that’s only slightly less than the average tech house DJ. He also wears vests quite a lot, again something that’s very common with tech house DJs.”

“He’s also the head of an organisation called the Samoan Tribal Institute, which is also known as the STI, and most tech house DJs have at least two or three STIs at any given time,” explained Taafi. “They’re just some of the similarities, the list goes on and on, really he should probably just take up DJing and get into the tech house scene.”

“He’d absolutely kill it,” continued the promoter. “I’d definitely book him at least twice a month, he’s already got the look and, to be honest with you, to make it in the tech house game at the moment it’s ninety percent image and ten percent talent, I could turn him into Samoa’s biggest tech house DJ in a couple of weeks.”

Wunderground also spoke to Nick Broome, one of the disappointed clubbers who had gathered around Mr Taagatoloa, “I was sure that lad was a tech house DJ, he had all of the was wearing sunglasses, was quite muscular and had loads of tattoos, I’m could have sworn I’ve seen him on Boiler Room before.”

According to reports, once the crowd around Mr Taagatoloa had dispersed, they quickly gathered around a rotting fish on the beach, which they mistook for a Paris Hilton pool party.

Early Bird Tickets Nearly Gone – Claims Promoter Yet To Sell A Single Ticket

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A crafty promoter who is struggling to sell tickets to an upcoming event has tried to trick punters into buying tickets by claiming all of the early bird tickets are nearly gone.

Billy Goat, owner of Mutton Dressed As Lamb, Stockport’s premier over thirty five’s singles club night, made the audacious claim via a status update on the Facebook event page, the status has so far received no likes.

“I’ve been in the promotions game a long time and, believe me, there’s nothing better than a bit of fear mongering to sell tickets,” Mr Goat told Wunderground earlier. “The one thing that people always want, is the one thing they can’t have. So, by telling people there’s a chance that tickets are nearly sold out you can almost guarantee to give sales a real boost.”

“Back in the day, when I was running underage parties, I’d hang around outside schools and watch the children all the time,” he creepily revealed. “Once I’d identified who the cool kids were, I’d offer them guest list to the parties in exchange for them starting rumours about there only being twenty or thirty tickets left. I sold out the local Scout Hall four times in a row.”

“I guarantee you, that status I put up the other day will sell me at least two hundred tickets,” he said confidently. “It might not have got any likes or sold any tickets, yet, but I’ve heard Facebook is under maintenance or changing their algorithms or something so I’d say it’s just a case of people not seeing it yet, I bet once they do the tickets will walk themselves out the door.”

“I’ve done a couple of these Mutton Dressed as Lamb nights before and they’ve always been really successful,” continued Goat. “I had six or seven different people tell me they got lucky after the last one and only four of those admitted to stopping off at the local brass house on the way home, with a success rate like that it’s no wonder tens of people have hit attending on the event page.”

Since going to press, Mr Goat has advised us that tickets for Mutton Dressed as Lamb are almost completely sold out and anyone wishing to attend should buy them in advance to avoid disappointment.

“I’m A DJ Myself” Most Common Thing Said To DJs

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According to yet another needlessly nonsensical poll by DJ Mag, “I’m a DJ myself” has been voted the number one thing that people say to DJs.

The poll, which asked one thousand DJs what the public say to them before or after shows, was later voted number fifty three in the most pointless poll DJ Mag have ever done poll.

Wunderground spoke to Paradise resident Jamie Jones earlier, “I literally hear ‘I’m a DJ myself’ about four or five hundred times a week,” he told us. “Half of them are from the Martinez Brothers, I keep telling them that I know they’re DJs and they don’t need to keep telling me but they just don’t listen.”

“I usually try to avoid meeting normal people,” continued Jones. “But, when I do, the first thing they say is almost always ‘alright pal, I’m a DJ myself’, I really don’t get why. I often wonder do these same people tell taxi drivers that they drive cars too or, whenever they’re put for dinner, do they pop into the kitchen to let the chef know they do a bit of cooking in their spare time. The mind baffles.”

Steven Mayson, an average Joe Soap, also spoke to Wunderground, “So what’s this for?” he asked us. “Oh, I actually do a bit of blogging myself pal, as well as the DJing like. I’ll always tell other DJs that I’m a DJ myself. Letting other DJs now you’re a DJ is kind of part of being a DJ. We’re not like the non DJ folk so by telling each other we always know who’s a little bit special and who’s not.”

Other things that people commonly say to DJs include; “do you play requests?”, “do you have any good tunes?”, “what’s your real job?” and “can you get guest list?”.

NYE Sesh To Hold Minute Silence To Remember Small Boxes Of Rolling Tobacco

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Sesehes all over Britain are set to hold a minutes silence in remembrance of small boxes of rolling tobacco on New Year’s Eve.

The sesh friendly small boxes of rolling tobacco were surprisingly banned by the government earlier this year in a bizarre attempt to try and encourage people to smoke more tobacco.

“I’ve been totally gutted ever since they got rid of the small boxes of bacy,” claimed twenty one year old sesh advocate Ian Jasper. “Twelve and a half gram pouches of Amber Leaf were my first love and to have them ripped from my arms like that, for no apparent reason, is really hard to get my head around. Why did the government have to do this to me? Why?”

Sesh heads have been holding candlelit vigils all over the country since the small boxes and pouches were taken out of circulation and are calling on “everyone who loves a rollie” to join them in their minute’s silence.

Stephen “Madser” Jenkins, president of the National Sesh Association, or the N.S.A., spoke to Wunderground earlier, “It’s been a rough couple of months for sesh heads so we decided to wait until everyone has come to terms with the reality of what has happened before we take a moment to remember the small boxes of rolling tobacco.”

“It’s been a tough transitional period for our members, who are having to learn how to carry a thirty-gram pouch and reassess their weekly sesh budget,” continued Madser. “Thankfully, most of us have pulled through and are starting to come to terms with this tragedy and by, having a minute’s silence this weekend, we can now get some much-needed closure and get on with our lives.”

The minutes silence will take place this New Year’s Eve at 11:59, people are encouraged to take the time to make a rollie which will then be smoked once the minute is over.

Denis Sulta Drops “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” During Latest Set

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Glasgow’s finest export since battered Mars Bars, Denis Sulta, has reportedly dropped the ultimate old school classic, Oh Come All Ye Faithful, during his latest set.

According to reports, the “crowd totally went off” after the DJ played the Christmas banger with witnesses claiming there was “mulled wine and mince pies flying everywhere”.

Wunderground spoke to one clubber who wished to remain anonymous, “I honestly don’t think there’s a track that Sulta can’t get away with playing at the moment,” he told us. “You get to a point where all you have to do is play the first three seconds of a track and if people think they know it, you’ve got them eating out of the plam of your hand. Denis is definitely there right now.”

“I’ve never realised how much of a stomper that Oh Come All Ye Faithful track is,” claimed the twenty three year old clubber. “Usually, when I hear it, it’s being played on Songs of Praise or some weird god type of shit and it just seems a bit crap but when you hear a DJ playing it out, you realise that it’s actually a complete weapon.”

“It’s funny, there’s loads of songs that I thought were total pants, the type of stuff old lads, who are like in their 30s, would listen to,” continued our source. “But then, someone who’s really cool and hip like Denis Sulta comes along and smashes them out in a club and reminds everyone that they’re not shit, they’re fucking banging.”

“It’s really refreshing for people like me to know that we can depend on DJs to keep us informed and up to date about what is and isn’t cool these days,” he continued. “I honestly don’t think I’d even know what type of music I’m into if it wasn’t for DJs and, more importantly, videos of DJs that people have taken on their phones, showing me what I should like.”

According to experts, we are about to see a surge in popularity of Country & Western classics in the clubbing industry after a number of high profile DJs signed an agreement with Garth Brooks that will see them drop one of his tracks during all of their sets for the next six months.

Number Of Pregnant Virgins At All Time Low This Christmas

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Reports emerging from the World Statistic Organisation have revealed the worldwide number of pregnant virgins has reached a record equalling low this year.

According to experts, the number of immaculate conceptions peaked sometime around the year 0, when one case of sexless pregnancy was reported in Nazareth, Israel.

“It’s the same every year,” statistician George Garland told Wunderground earlier. “We’re approaching Christmas and everyone’s looking to the World Statistic Organisation to find out where all of the pregnant virgins are sleeping this Christmas Eve and every year we have to tell people that there’s actually no pregnant virgins, anywhere, in the world.”

“Really, apart from that one time, which actually happened before official records began, there hasn’t been a single recorded incident of a virgin giving birth,” continued Garland. “There have been plenty of claims but thanks to Jeremy Kyle and his rock solid DNA tests we can safely say that none of them were real.”

“Now, we’re at the stage where if someone claims to be a pregnant virgin, most people will automatically think one of three things, either you got too drunk to remember sex, you’re a lier or you’re a slut,” claimed the statistician. “It really shows you how times have changed when you think that saying the exact same thing three thousand years ago, or whatever, would have had people thinking you were the mother of Christ. All of these advances in technology haven’t half made us a cynical bunch of so and so’s.”

“You’d think these days, with the likes of IVF treatment, trans-men giving birth and things just generally being a bit mental, people would be a bit more open to the idea of a virgin actually giving birth,” he said. “But it turns out people only believe in virgins giving birth from long before any of those things were around. Seems a bit fucking crazy if you ask me.”

If you think you may be suffering from a case of immaculately conception, stop telling lies.

The Ghost Of Christmas Past Claims Ibiza’s Not What It Used To Be

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The Ghost of Christmas Past has taken human form and spoke for the first time in over thirty years, claiming that “Ibiza’s not what it used to be”.

It is believed the ghost returned to Earth earlier this week in an attempt to buy Bitcoin but ended up having a heated debate with Solardo, who are also from the supernatural world, about the spirit of Ibiza.

“There’s not a whole lot for the me to do in the modern world,” the Ghost of Christmas Past told Wunderground earlier today. “The internet has kind of spoiled it for me if I’m being perfectly honest. I’ve tried to do a couple of interventions but every time I try to tell them an interesting fact about the past, they just tell me they already know because of this Google thing.”

“The way I see it, it’s not worth my fucking while anymore so I’ve been spending my summers in Ibiza,” continued the ghost. “That place is gone to shit man, I’ve been going there for hundreds of years now, it was always good, even before it hit its peak in the early 90s, but recently it’s just not what it used to be, I’m half thinking about going to Croatia or even Marbella this year.”

“I was chatting with Solardo the other day, they’re actually a couple of poltergeists, and they claim it’s as good over there as it’s ever been,” he said dismissively. “But they’re full of shit, they’re not even a thousand years old so how the fuck would they know. I’m telling you know, Ibiza’s lost its magic, apart from Es Vedra. That place is fucking nuts. The banshees on that island will do anything and I mean fucking anything.”

According to experts, other DJs who are from the supernatural world include; Ricardo Villalobos, a super-ancient ghoul, DJ Sneak, an oversized orb and the Martinez Brothers, a pair of ectoplasm goblins.

5 Pieces Of Equipment Used In Stephan Bodzin’s Live Set

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Here at Wunderground, we’re huge fans of a good live set. There’s something very special about watching an artist creating their sound right in front of your eyes. When it comes to this, few do it better than Stephan Bodzin.

Bodzin brings his live show to Australia’s Beyond The Valley Festival, which takes place in Lardner Park, Victoria, between 28 December and 1 January, and we are very excited to see what he has in store for his fans. What the German artist lacks in hair, he certainly makes up for in musical talent, with his live show becoming even more impressive when you hear the equipment he uses to make his own unique sound. In order to show you just how awesome Bodzin’s live set is, we’ve put together a list of the 5 most unusual pieces of equipment the German wizard uses.

Nintendo Game Boy

Bodzin is a lifelong Game Boy fan and tries to use them in all of his live sets. It is rumoured the artist was so addicted to Tetris as a young man that he once had a gaming induced seizure and woke up humming a tune that he would later become his first release. The original Game Boy start up noise, the famous ding, is one of the most recognisable sounds in the history of gaming and, if you listen carefully, you are sure to hear it, at least once, in all of Bodzin’s live sets.

Motorised Tie Rack

Anyone who is familiar with Bodzin’s music will have heard a very distinct grating sound at the heart of practically all of his tracks. The sound is believed to have driven thousands of would be techno producers mad, they simply couldn’t figure out how he was making it. Now, the secret is finally out of the bag, the sound comes from a clapped out tie rack motor and we’re struggling to think of anything that sounds better.

Cowbells

Originally from a small town in the Bavarian Alps, Bodzin is no stranger to Cowbells. Sources close to the artist believe he developed his love for “plinky plonky” bells while herding cattle on the side of a mountain during the cold winter months. Bodzin is now the proud owner of the world’s largest cowbell collection and regularly uses them during his live performances.

A Pacemaker

Bodzin’s live performances have become so popular because people feel that they can really connect with his music. This is something that Bodzin has worked tirelessly to perfect. The German genius uses a cardiac pacemaker to control the tempo of all of his his drum machines, causing his beats and bass lines to sync perfectly with the heart rates of everyone in the room. It is rumoured that he can actually use this technique to speed up and slow down heart rates, making his show one of the most immersive in the business.

Tasers

New to his show at Beyond The Valley, Bodzin is set to introduce a number fo high powered tasers to his live set. While it is not yet known how the artist will utilise the effects of the tasers in his music, he has promised that the results will be both stunning and shocking. We really can’t wait to hear what’s in store.

If you would like the chance to Stephan Bodzin use any of these pieces of equipment at Beyond The Valley, click here for more information and tickets.

Liverpool Carol Singers Singing CamelPhat Cola On Repeat

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Carol singers all over the city of Liverpool have abandoned conventional song choice and in favour of singing CamelPhat and Elderbrook’s massive club hit, Cola, on repeat.

Merseyside sources claim that the entire city has become completely engulfed in the track, with no single citizen ever more than ten meters from someone either playing or singing the track.

“The whole of Merseyside’s gone completely Cola mad, La,” one enthusiastic Scouser told us. “The council even tried to ban the Coca-Cola truck from the city this Christmas, they said it was something to do with fat kids but you could tell it was because the whole of Liverpool is fucking loving the other Cola right now. This town’s just not big enough for two Colas, once Torres was in a Pepsi ad we got rid of them, now it’s time to do the same with Coca-Cola.”

“I was at the derby on Sunday and both sets of fans we’re singing Cola on the terraces, I don’t think I heard You’ll Never Walk Alone or whatever that rubbish Everton fans sing is called once. It was just Cola from start to finish,” continued our source. “I’m not complaining mind you, it’s a belter of a track,”

“The best thing about it is all the old dears singing it instead of normal carols,” he claimed. “I love this time of year, Liverpool’s a great spot for some carol singing. Usually, you get all the classics, Silent Night, We Wish You A Merry Christmas, Jingle Bells Batman Smells, you know, old school carols, but this year all anyone is singing is Cola, it’s proper boss.”

According to reports, carol singers in other major cities have also been heard singing Cola in place of better known carols.

Our Manchester correspondent explained, “So far, we’ve not seen the same scale of Cola takeover as there is in Liverpool but there have been quite a few incidents reported around the city, they’re becoming more regular and we fear the track could soon take over the entire city, if you see any carol singers singing Cola we recommend you keep at least twenty five meters away.”

Experts are predicting that if Cola continues to spread at its current rate, the entire nation could be completely immersed in Cola by Christmas Day, culminating in no Christmas No. 1 for X-Factor and the words “oh oh oh, oh oh oh, she can’t tell the difference yet” featuring in the Queen’s speech.

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