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Mr Bean Named New Resident DJ For Es Paradis

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In a rather surprising turn of events, Mr Bean has been named as a resident DJ in Ibiza’s Es Paradis nightclub.

Mr Bean, played by the rather annoying actor Rowan Atkinson, will be performing at the San Antonio nightclub every friday night for a fifteen week residency between May and September.

Wunderground spoke to the bumbling yet industrious Bean yesterday, “Hello, I’m Mr Bean,” he told us in a voice deeper than a Frankie & Sandrino remix. “Hello, I’m Mr Bean,” he repeated constantly for the next forty five seconds before we decided to cut the interview and look else where for information regarding his residency in Es Paradis.

According to Ibiza sources, Mr Bean’s arrival could be the biggest thing to happen to Es Paradise since the installed an electronic bug zapper in the manager’s office in early 2011.

“It’s great to finally have some fresh life finally coming into the club,” Juan Torres, a local plumber told us. “I’ve actually never heard of this Mr Bean fella, I don’t even like electronic music, I’ve never been to the club, I have no intention of ever going to the club but I’ve heard it’s really shit so surely any change is good.”

“I just hope that it’s popular and he gets some of these god awful British drunks of the streets of San Antonio,” continued Señor Torres. “Every summer I rent a number of properties on the island for about a thousand times their actual value and there’s nothing worse than drunk tourists annoying you while you’re eating in fine restaurants and drinking expensive wine.”

Ex-pat Michael Reid also spoke to Wunderground, “Mr Bean and Es Paradis? That’s a match made in heaven,” he joked. “Seriously though, he can’t be any worse than some of the mugs they’ve got playing in there at the moment, I’ll definitely pop along to see how shit it is.”

Experts are predicting that Mr Bean’s arrival could make 2018 Es Paradis’s busiest year of the twenty first century, with over twenty people expected at the club almost every night of the season.

Late Nite Tuff Guy Really Nice During The Day

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In an attempt to soften his reputation ahead of the quickly approaching Australian festival season, Late Nite Tuff Guy has revealed that he is actually really nice during the day.

Speaking exclusively to Wunderground, the DJ claimed that his reputation as “a bit of a bad boy” precedes him even though, between six in the morning and nine thirty at night, it is completely untrue.

“I’ve always been a bit of a scrapper,” he told us earlier. “I used to be really proud of the fact that I was hard as nails but now, the older I get, the more chilled out I’m becoming. I want people to know that, even though I’ll batter you at night, I’m actually really nice during the day.”

Late Nite Tuff Guy is due to play at Beyond The Valley festival, which takes place between 28 December and 1 January in Lardner Park, Victoria, and is worried that people will feel like they are unable to approach him if they see him during the day.

“Honestly, if you see me during the day at Beyond The Valley just come over and say hello,” continued Mr Tuff Guy. “I’ll probably buy you a drink or tell you a few jokes or something totally friendly and cool like that. That’s just the way I am, during the day. You’re defo best off avoiding me at night though, once that sun goes down I’m basically a Gremlin who’s been fed after midnight.”

“I can’t help myself but I’m really hoping to phase the whole Late Nite Tuff Guy thing out over the next few years. Someday, I might even be known as The Nice Guy,” he explained “I’ve never been totally committed to being a hardass anyway. My real name is Carmelo for fuck sake. How could anyone with a name so delicious be a proper bogan?”

Fellow Beyond The Valley headliner Schoolboy Q has claimed that Late Nite Tuff Guy better not try and cause any trouble in the backstage area or he will have some “actual tough guys” to deal with.

“I’ve been chatting with my man Stormzy and we’ve decided that we’re taking a ‘zero shit policy’ with this Tuff Guy fella,” he told us. “If he tries throwing his weight around the backstage area I’m gonna teach him some schoolboy lessons, you get me? He’ll be picking my size tens out of his ass for the next month.”

If you would like to party with Late Nite Tuff Guy during the day, or even feel his wrath at night, at Beyond The Valley festival, click here for more information and tickets.

Australian Festival Introduce “No Dickheads Policy”

in Wunderground by

An Australian festival has become the world’s first event to introduce a “no dickheads policy” in an attempt to stop “bogans” gaining entry.

Electric Gardens, which takes place on 27 January 2018 in Centennial Park, Sydney, has announced that anyone wishing to attend the festival will need to pass a “dickhead screening” before they are allocated their ticket.

“It’s a great day for festival goers all over the world,” claimed Electric Garden spokesperson Ian Downing. “We’ve been working on ways to make the festival experience even better at this years festival and everything we came up with involved reducing the number of dickheads in attendance. So, in the end we just decided to take them out of the equation all together.”

“We’ve come up with a very intricate screening process,” continued Downing. “It’s a very complicated system. The first step involves eliminating anyone who lists ‘Full-time mad bastard’ as their occupation on Facebook, after that we feed everyone’s social media accounts into an algorithm which identifies racists, homophobes and dickheads in general.”

Festival headliner Fatboy Slim claims the exclusion of dickheads could possibly propel Electric Gardens to one of the world’s top festivals.

“No dickheads? That’s fucking amazing,” he told us. “I’ve had lots of experiences with dickheads at festivals over the years. I wouldn’t go as far as to say they spoils festivals for everyone but they definitely make them a little bit worse. If you could have a festival without dickheads, it would definitely be one of the best festivals of all time.”

According to dickheads all over the world, Electric Garden’s no dickhead policy is unfair and discriminatory against their kind.

“That’s total bullshit you cunt,” claimed dickhead Darren Lawless. “I really want to go and see Gorgon City, MK, Nicole Moudaber and Dubfire. So what if I want to start fights while I’m watching them, that’s my business. Why are they being prejudice against me just because I’m a dickhead, that’s so unfair.”

If you would like to celebrate Australia Day weekend in a completely dick head free environment, click here for more tickets and information.

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