Australian Festival Introduce “No Dickheads Policy”

in Wunderground by

An Australian festival has become the world’s first event to introduce a “no dickheads policy” in an attempt to stop “bogans” gaining entry.

Electric Gardens, which takes place on 27 January 2018 in Centennial Park, Sydney, has announced that anyone wishing to attend the festival will need to pass a “dickhead screening” before they are allocated their ticket.

“It’s a great day for festival goers all over the world,” claimed Electric Garden spokesperson Ian Downing. “We’ve been working on ways to make the festival experience even better at this years festival and everything we came up with involved reducing the number of dickheads in attendance. So, in the end we just decided to take them out of the equation all together.”

“We’ve come up with a very intricate screening process,” continued Downing. “It’s a very complicated system. The first step involves eliminating anyone who lists ‘Full-time mad bastard’ as their occupation on Facebook, after that we feed everyone’s social media accounts into an algorithm which identifies racists, homophobes and dickheads in general.”

Festival headliner Fatboy Slim claims the exclusion of dickheads could possibly propel Electric Gardens to one of the world’s top festivals.

“No dickheads? That’s fucking amazing,” he told us. “I’ve had lots of experiences with dickheads at festivals over the years. I wouldn’t go as far as to say they spoils festivals for everyone but they definitely make them a little bit worse. If you could have a festival without dickheads, it would definitely be one of the best festivals of all time.”

According to dickheads all over the world, Electric Garden’s no dickhead policy is unfair and discriminatory against their kind.

“That’s total bullshit you cunt,” claimed dickhead Darren Lawless. “I really want to go and see Gorgon City, MK, Nicole Moudaber and Dubfire. So what if I want to start fights while I’m watching them, that’s my business. Why are they being prejudice against me just because I’m a dickhead, that’s so unfair.”

If you would like to celebrate Australia Day weekend in a completely dick head free environment, click here for more tickets and information.

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